I drafted a post yesterday and hit delete at the end. Trust me, it would not have been the best PR move. I don't get hateful very often. My Southern Belle friend, Amy Newsome, use to say, "God don't like ugly." And she's right. But yesterday, I got ugly. I'm not proud of it, but I need to own it (and quickly get rid of it). I was so hateful and angry I couldn't see straight. I'm at an exclusive executive retreat in Charleston. Space is limited to 125 senior execs and the setting is spectacular. I'm sure lots of deals and relationships are being cemented. That's the whole reason I came. These are the best of the best. Don't get me wrong, I've met some very kind and smart people - including 4 other women and a few men ;) Just kidding! But given there are only five female sr. execs, I'm the only female CEO, and the remaining room is filled with all white, mostly middle-aged men, I found myself crossing my fingers wanting to be accepted into the OBC. And when I wasn't, I was pissed!
Clearly it's not the first time I've been denied access. But every time the door slams in my face, I'm stunned. I quickly transition from anger to shame. In the ladies room, I asked one of the women who'd been accepted into the club how she did it. Witty, smart and beautiful, she laughed, "Oh honey, I've been in this industry for years. I'm just one of the boys now." My insides churned. Why wasn't I good enough to be one of the boys? Is it because I'm in my 30s? Don't they know I'll be 40 soon. Am I not smart enough? Should I tell them I'm a CPA? That I graduated from Georgetown and start Harvard's Executive Program in a few weeks? Maybe it's the blonde hair (don't they know highlights cover my grey)? Did they find out my husband of 13 years just became a stay-at-home Dad? Maybe they hate the 4" heels I love to wear. Is that why they don't take me seriously?
Frustrated and shamed, I continued through the conference - session after session - virtually alone. But a good night's sleep does wonders for the soul. The woman I admired who'd been allowed exclusive access into this OBC joked in one of the sessions as she stood to present her table's findings, "I took notes b/c I'm a girl and I make a good secretary." We all laughed at the time. Don't get me wrong, I can totally see myself saying that. At the time, I almost wished I had. At least they'd think I was funny. I joke that I know I'm in with the boys when they curse in front of me. Don't ask me to explain it, but it truly makes me smile when a man curses in front of me (cursing at me is a whole different story). Clearly there was very little cursing in front of me at this retreat. But there was a quote:
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." -Charles Darwin
So let the OBC give its members the benefit of the doubt. Let them do business as they've always done. The OBC is the reason my company even exists. Yes, I'm particularly lonely in Charleston. But I'm willing to bet I was one of the few that woke up at 4am excited to start the day, with a deeper sense of who I am. As a 38 year old blonde CEO with 3 ungrateful children who magically listen to their stay-at-home Dad, a brilliant band of misfits back at the office, a closet full of great heels and a $75,000 bill from Harvard, I finally truly understand and accept that I can't have it both ways. I can't be a card carrying member of the OBC and still change the world (and neither can you by the way). But I am hopeful. Clearly Darwin was no dummy.
